cancer-horizon

2010-03-19T03:18:00.003+08:00

I thought I could stop blogging anymore. I never fail to cry after reading your blog. The frienship which I used to cherish alot. Although it has been years since we last met already, but it just seems like yesterday. Sorry for not being by your side anymore. Years back, I felt that a good friend should be the one that is able to be on the same frequency, same lifestyle. I was a good girl with bad grades. A good girl that can't accompany you as and when I want. I just felt that maybe letting someone else to replace me would be better off.

I done all those things just to make sure that she can replace me. She isn't a bad influence, because what we do is up to our choice and not what other tell us to do. What you do is what you like. As long as you are happy, that's the most important thing.

From a supporting role in your life to a passer-by in your life is just so difficult for me. To act like I don't want to be in your life anymore because I can't fit into your life. Having to hide my feelings from you. Having to know everything about you through your blog and not letting you know.

I just don't want to pop into your life now and mess everything up. Since the day I chose to let you out, maybe things should remain unchanged. I'm always a spoiler, I just don't want to ruin your life now.

Friend, there's many a times that I want to lend my shoulder to you, to show my deepest concern for you, ask whether how are you. But I am afraid........

2009-11-27T18:20:00.002+08:00

17.10.09 He seems like a nice guy, a guy that you can count on as a friend even if I were to like him.

27.11.09 He's a total jerk, he backstabs people even me. But I still like him. What's so wrong about me?
What he is trying to do? There's so many questions that I want to ask him. But will he care? He dare to do so many things, he won't give a bloody shit about how otthers feel about him. I thought I can just carry on to like him until he goes back to his homwtown. Why must he do so much things and hurt so many of us? Who is he? So what he is hurt by others, doesn't mean he can make use of all of our trust and emotions and backstab us just to protect himself? HE only treats his own family like human, treat us like clowns. After entertaining us and get what he wants, chucked us aside like rubbish. I'm speechless. Looking at the past smses conversation, the times we spent together working, my whole brain is blank blank. Why he can spend time sms-ing me long smses when he just want to treat me like a clown? After playing, he must feel HAPPY now. I can't and I don't know how to get over it. Locking him up in my heart, until my heart says it is tired, and when my heart goes BEEP BEEP BEEP, a real sweet boy is there for me.

2009-08-16T01:22:00.002+08:00

I thought I've forgotten you. I thought I'll never cry for you again. The more I want to let go, the past just keeps haunting me like it was just yesterday. It has been 3 years. If we could meet, fate would have already brought us together. It is very difficult for me to walk into a new relationship when you are already a part of me. Thinking of you every day, the memories we once shared is engraved deep into my heart that I just can't forget it because I want to. All I wanna tell you is, I REALLY MISS YOU!

2009-07-20T14:42:00.002+08:00

SATURDAY!!! =)

It's kind of touching to have friends giving me a super big birthday card and apple strudels. It's the thought that counts and not about the gift being costly. It was shocking that Biting actually came and got to know Shermaine's friend, Marilyn and I find her familiar but just can't recall where did I last seen her. LOLS...

We even went to the Explanade to take nice pics and lame pics. HAHAS. I'll upload those pics soon. =)

2009-06-22T18:32:00.002+08:00

It has been a long while since I updated my bloggie. I have been indulging my life with japanese dramas, korean serials and movies. It's kind of living in my world of fantasy without any troubles.

Anyway, last Saturday went for service with LIM PEI JIE. Expo was so f`ing cold because of the central air condition. We reached therwe like for an hour late. The drama was quite cool and holds some meanings behind it.

After service , we chiong out and was taking crazy pic and this girl gave me my birthday present so damn damn early. She still warns me not to open it before 13th July. After that went to Harbourfront for our dinner and it was 1030pm for home sweet home.

God actually has his own schedule. He can't follow our schedule as every thing cannot happen at the same time. Continue praying and wait patiently, God will answer your prayers.

2009-06-16T13:36:00.001+08:00

It was a pleasant day today. Wenting called me and ask me to go out cuz she pon school. So we decided to go to West Mall. It was nice walking around. Then bumped into TAN WEI HAO with a girl.

Every thing was going on so smoothly until a auntie was totally blocking the escalator and we waited for her to go down but she was like congesting every one. So I decided to just cut her way. When we came down from the escalator, she kept on diao me like don't know what. So I shouted at her to stop her diao`ing business. She didn't give up, followed me and appear in front of me, so I bumped onto her. Then she kept chasing me me and scolded me so loudly. I was so damn damn embarassed to the max lahs! She still say I'm crazy. She purposely want me to bump her yet she still so guai lan!!!!! I'll never forget the big fat auntie who weigh approximately 80kg around my height. If her husband never fuck her then her problem lahs, come West Mall and appear like mad woman!!!!! HOw much I wish to stuff her cb with rotten banana full of maggots!!!!!

2009-05-24T19:01:00.002+08:00

I'm super broke now. My dear mama has made my weekly allowance to be $30. In the past when I was working, $800 salary. How can I survive with $30? It's killing me for sure. To cut cost, I shared Cigarettes with my sister. Well, she's complaining that I'm smoking too much of hers. So I have to pay her some money. THe worse thing is, Clementi ITE's so strict, I can't bring cigs to school. If I were to be caught in possession, it'll cost $200 and a love letter to parents. So I can't buy any cigs cuz it'll taste like shit after 3 days.

I don't know what's wrong with dad. He has been throwing tantrums on mama.Mama's stressed up by him and her work. She has been rather fierce and paranoid for a few months already. It has been 10 donkey years since dad's with that buck teeth woman. My life's totally ruined by her. How much I wished that every thing has not happened. It really feels sucky talking to my dad for less than 100 sentence per year. That bloody woman might have performed witchcraft on my dad and cause him to change 360 degrees.

Bwing in a problamatic family is already a big blow to me. What's crazier is that school hasn't been fun for me. It feels like bali bombing for me now. I have no other words to dexcribe what I'm feeling right now. I really few bad that I have been venting my anger on mama because my school life's being topsy-turvy. I have never been so unhappy in my life.

I really don't know how to communicate in my class. I don't know why I feel so redundant in this class. My smiles and laughter are hardly heard and seen. Life's so dramatic for me. When will all the bad stuffs end???

I can hardly breathe. I feel so depressed and sad to the max. CAn I just die now?

2009-05-04T15:32:00.003+08:00

The feeling of being neglected in class. The feeling of being boycotted. Are all these retributions? I don't think I deserve all these. I don't like those people who fake that they are nice. SO what if they are pretty? Being pretty on the exterior ONLY is the ugliest thing on earth.

When a deer is attacked by the tiger, every one will pity the deer when they didn't know that the deer actually provoked the tiger and act pitiful. I'm the tiger now. This feeling really sucks.

Those who knows me well enough knows that my bark is worse than then my bite. I only appear fierce only. HAIX. After barking, I'll feel better. I won't bear grudges for long.

I guess the scariest person on earth is those that act that they have forgiven, deep inside they won't let you go, keep finding ways to torture you. I don't knwo whether I'll meet such beast or not.

I have come to a decision to change class or course. Cuz I feel that I can never fledge, cuz many of them are deprivig other's chances.

2009-04-24T15:21:00.002+08:00

School has started for around 2 weeks, I'm starting to question myself if I'm able to focus in in studies??? Well... For my future, YES! But I just can't put my heart and soul into it. And someone just knock some sense into me???

Some thing is bothering me too. I really don't know how to make the first move to communicate with my classmates. I know u guys would say I'M NUTS. I'm just so f`ing noisy... I'm suppose it's because after working in L/F, I realised that the environment has changed me. So many unpleasant things has happened. I'm just so afraid that trust would turn to betray. Gradually, there's a wall between me and everyone.

I wanna be like before in DoverITE. I mixed with everyone in class, we talk heart to heart and go out together. I'm just so afraid of rejections. If out of a sudden, I become so active in class, tongues would wag, saying that I wanna be a centre of attraction.

I don't like being a "solitaire". After school, going home straight. But I feel that my clique doesn't like me. I hope I'm just being sensitive. But I really know very little of them, so I don't know what to talk about. So I end up being quiet and out of topic all the time. LOLS.

I feel so broke now. Concession low. No money. That L/F's pay for 9 days must wait until 3rd of May. Some more so malu, cigarette also sis and sponser. Ask my papa why wanna control mama's money. I've never been so broke to e max before!

2009-01-19T03:21:00.002+08:00

Just a random post. It seems that 'fledge 2 soar' plan has to postpone. Bleah to the maxi! I have gone back to Laserflair as I didn't seem to care about getting higher pay anymore. I just need to zoom pass my time to April for ITE intake. I enrolled through JAE as it's time to get my ass back to school. HAIX!

Every single I listen to that song, I never fail to cry. The memories are always torturing me. It's not about being able to let go of the past, it's about MEMORIES. How much I wish I could wake up one day without any memories.

The pain is just so traumatising. I really tried so hard to shag them off, but they just appear in flashes. It's just so irritating. I don't wanna be a emotionally unstable kid. I don't know what I've done to deserve all these pain.

God, would you hear my prayers? Take me away from all these? =X

2008-12-23T01:11:00.002+08:00

My life took a grest change. I realised that the change was so bad that I lose my friends and the worse was losing myself.

It was a life experience for these 2 years for me. Working in Laserflair which caused me to lose my character when I got selfish, arrogant, self-conscious. I wanted attention, I wanted power. All the desires caused me to become a very lousy person. What's more is when I didn't wanted to admit my mistakes. I hate having so much pridde in myself. I'm always afraid of how people look at me and I over protected myself and make people around me to lose trust in me.

After turning so much circles, I realised that I didn't cherished the guy that I loved the most and ignored his feelings. No one catches my eyes like me does. He loved me for who I was and I just ignored his feelings just because I wasn't sure about my feelings for him.

I missed the time we spent together. Playing card games, cycling in circles and running around with small kids. He'll hold my hand and run. He must have thought that I have forgotten all these. I promise that I'll not run away from him if I were to see him again.

WHY do I realised every thing after so much things have happened? God, I'm sorry for back sliding. I promise to not commit anymore sin. I'm really sorry.

2008-10-20T16:58:00.002+08:00

.... IT'S TIME TO LET YOU GO. ANGELS IN HEAVEN WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU. YOU'LL BE MISSED DEEPLY....

2008-10-19T02:18:00.002+08:00

Dad was hospitalised on friday. I thought it was nothing to me.I realised I was wrong. I just don't know how to care for him.I promised myself 8 years ago that I'll never cry for him and I'll never care for him anymore. But it seems so true that it wasn't what I can do now.

I may appear to be strong. Who knows how terrible it is to keep all my emotions to myself and cry myself to bed. I'm really stressed out. I guess I'm tired of my life, tired of being myself.

I yearn to be taken care of. I'm sicked of making decisions. I'm tired of coping every thing alone.I want to put an end..........

2008-10-05T02:18:00.002+08:00

FRIEND: Is it that you like me?
ME: No.
FRIEND: Why?
ME: We're strangers, how can I like you...

FRIEND logged off from msn straight and never have we spoken again... I don't understand his actions at all. He has a girlfriend, a pretty and smart some more. Can anyone tell me why? To me, he's perfect, because his perfection has made me accept his imperfections. What he wants in life, he can get them all. He has got fame,money, why would my one sentence K.O him? He's a age difference from me, he has gotten many achievements in life which most people would dream for. To every girl, he's a dream guy. I've never wanted to get near him because, he's way too far from me. After what I've told him, I realised that I've never been in love before, never loved someone before.Over the years, he's always making me to thought of things that would never came across my mind... I think, I took obsession as love, therefore my 'love' dies fast.

I came to think that, people who dream big, often get big. I decided on my 'Fledge 2 Soar' Plan. I realised that what I always wanted was not what I really want. Is like a struggle within myself to face the challenge in my life. I didn't want the way I look like, I didn't want the life I have now. I didn't want those friends to leave me. I didn't want people to look down on me. But in the first place, I was the one who made my life become so sad. I made myself redundant in life.

*FRIEND, I'm just a joke in your life, a person that you can only show your real character to, but you have make me want to have a great change in life. After I have succeed in my Plan, I'll be able to get close to you as a friend, no longer a stranger....

2008-09-04T23:33:00.002+08:00

I have felt so angry with anyone in my whole life. How can I be bullied by a person with low IQ and EQ than me??? Just because she acts hardworking in front of our bosses? Just because she acts pitiful and stupid? so people would think that I'm a big bully.

What the fuck is it okays!!! I'm so sick of her face. Nobody wants to work with her. All she do is to glue herself to the counter all day long, leave all the stocks for me to do and display then she'll get a pay higher than me? see the unfairness lahs. I know nothing is fair but after slogging and hogging all day long, I don't even get appreciations or acknowledgements lahs. Is so whatever okays! At least I talked on the phone, I get things done lor. All she do is to talk and do nothing. She think she's an empress. Kiss my ass, man! She's just making use of her pathetic face to make people think that I bullied her.

Since the fact is that people wanna believe her fucking disgusting words, by all means. I'll let her know what bullying is. If she thinks she's so fabulous, why should Suwai ask me back. She enjoys doing stupid things, that's why I have to be there to control her stupidity. Even Suwai can't stand her stupidity and she just enjoys being a person who doesn't know how to appreciate things and always ruin the business.

Even when people gets angry, she just don't sense it or understand why. I don't know if she's just acting stupid or she's really a stupid fool. HAIX. If I were to sit here and tolerate her nonsense, I'll be a dumb ass. I don't give a shit if she's going to act pitiful infront if me, becuz she has made me mad to the MAX!

So what if I talk loud? It doesn't mean I would wanna bully her right??? I don't even wanna talk to her, how to bully her? All she do is to order those stupid movies that nobody wanna watch and make me move things here and there. If she isn't keen in working, she should jolly well leave and make everyone happy to the MAX.

2008-08-25T23:36:00.002+08:00

Life for me seems to be like a slope... I ruined my whole life. I lose my friends in secondary school, the friends that I used to cherish the most. I quitted ITE because the course doesn't suit me. Well, I'm ended working just to allow time to pass... I really have nothing good in me.

What's wrong with me? In sec 4, my grades and attitude were consider good. In sec 5, every thing seems to fall apart. Results werer nothing to me. Being late were nothing. Missing lessons were nothing. Daze during lesssons were nothing....

My family. A family that doesn't understands me. A family that always assume things. A family that would only bring me tears. A family that I couldn't sense love....

My life is just like a piece of jigsaw falen off, thus making the picture imperfect.

social pragmatic.

2008-08-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

YILIN feels sad to the max. I dunno why. Every thing seems to have fallen apart or I can say ruined by myself. That might be retributions for being a meanie. I'm so sick and tired of this family. I know I should not have blogged about this here.

Like what people like to say, wash the dirty linens at home. But then again, who's there to hear my whines and unhappiness?

I dunno why mum have to be like this. She knows dad has hurt her inside out, yet she still treats him like lord. She chose to hurt me and sacrifice my happiness just let dad be happy. That's trash to me. I feel so unjustified. All my folks sees are money and nothing else.

Mum just told be to give dad money next month. Forget it, I didn't wanna quarrel with her but to oblige just to let her feel good. I don't know what's so fucking wrong with this family. Why do I have to act infront of them, just to make them feel good?

I don't know what's wrong with my friends and everything? Why must they have a say to every thing that I do? Why must they pin high hopes on me and make me feel so bad for letting them down?

What ever I do, I have to consider their feelings, have they ever spare a thought for me, have they ask what I actually yearn for? All that I ever ask for is a family wthout disputes and quarrels. IS so tiring staying at home. Mum would just say things to humilate and put me down.

Whatever it is, I will never have my say. I have to do what they want and what they expect. How much I wish I didn't have them as my parents. So I won't feel so pain. So I will be happy. So I won't have to cry all alone. So I won't have to put up a brave front. So I don't have to be afraid that people would laugh at me for having such a family.

2008-08-04T00:22:00.002+08:00

I've signed the form to quit school. My class advisor agreed to it and wanted me to speak to the section head. The section head also approved. But I don't understand why I have to waste my time tomorrow to go back and meet the course manager?! I don't see the need. Head bigger than manager what! *Rawrs*

My intention of changing to another course next year is approved by my parents. I thought they would be mad with me, yet they weren't, even encouraged me to choose the course next year wisely.

Terms with my parents seems to be getting better ever since I joined LF. Maybe because of the people I'm mixing with, I'm no longer that headstrong and short-tempered. I listen to advices le, okay??? Hahas.

I used to have squabbles with my parents almost every day, and not that frequent now. Maybe I've grown mature a little?? LOLS. As time goes by, people do change. I supposed.

I working at MJ Vivo now. Is like same boss different company lo. hahas. Every thing is darn wrong there. I have to shift every thing with Kat, before the sales goes down further. Kat requested to uncle that she wants me there. But I miss IMM. I wanna change with Edwin at times. Wahahas.

Anyway, I want people to understand this, I'll be back to school next year. I understand the importance of a good certificate. Every thing has got its own pressure. But Electronics engineering isn't suitable for me. My current job is just my interest, it can never be my permanent job.

2008-07-28T00:16:00.003+08:00

I'll be officially leaving DOVER ITE. It's a decision that I'll never regret. I'll definitely miss DE0804G!

I'm back working! Today ended up at Lot 1. Cuz Alvin wanted to pick me up from there to HQ but Suwai was unwell.

COLLEAGUES OF THE DAY- Guo Wei, Jessie & our Newbie, Edwin

Is rather tiring. Cuz got 3 boxes of goods and is like $12.90! Going to burst liao le lahs. Then rental also in a mess, have to get things right lor. Change this and that price. Actually didn't knew where to start from. some more is Sunday. Was sort of lazy today also. Cuz HQ`ing was super tired to the MAX!

Today some more not much lengzai customer. LOLS. Cuz usually me and GuoWei will discuss about it, but don't where all handsome go today! Hahas.

Haix. I only know tmr I'll be working at IMM half day so GuoWei won't be bored. Next few days, name not in yet. Zzz... So won't be prepared as to where I'll be.

*I'm waiting for 2 years already, it's still counting till fate brings us together again.*

2008-07-21T00:41:00.005+08:00

Why is it so hard to keep friendship together? I know people do change, even if I don't change, I can't expect people around me not to change and be who they are used to be.

I may look like someone who would get lots of attention. But in fact, I'm just a lonely girl who spends most of my time being alone. Not that i want to be alone, there's just no one who's willing to spend their time with me.

*I just want to ESCAPE from this complicated world where there's no LOVE.

2008-07-20T03:09:00.004+08:00

Have no intention of deserting this blog. But lately, I have been thinking alot. One of it is to quit Electronics Engineering.

Maths and Physics isn't my forte in sec school at all. I thought I could give it a try but to no avail. I chose this course for the abundant of job opportunities after graduating from Poly. Then again, it that's the case, I won't be happy at all. I just don't know how to explain my feelings at all bahx! I should have chosen a course which I have at least some interest on.

I told mum about my decision. But she doesn't get the point. Which is, I want to QUIT this course NOW, IMMEDIATELY, AT THIS MOMENT! I feel so lost in class. Hahas. Maybe is my fault for skipping classes. But if I really love this course, I would have taken my initiative to ask people for what I've missed.

For my interest, it should be a course which enable me to relate and deal with people. I'm thinking about taking up Nursing. People must laughing their heads off. I don't care. Like what mama says, I can even tolerate my ham ham's faeces, why not human.

I'm really unsure. I have up to next intake for my next stepping stone. What I'm really sure and persistent is, to quit this course! I know that's like a waste of time, but I think if I'm really unhappy, wy should I force myself?!

The problem now is, I have to persuade dad to allow me to quit this course before I go berserk. I guess I need COURAGE to do so. Cuz I know, he'll stop talking to me for a period of time. All the best to myself!!!

2008-07-11T22:15:00.002+08:00

I used to have a best friend in KRSS who would walked me thru times without any complains. Be it happy or sad, we will always be there for each other. But then again, we are parted for our own paths.

They said that true friendship could be put to the test of time. I tried to pull the distant nearer, but it seems so difficult. Ever since I got into LaserFLAIR, it seems that I have no time for her. Many a times, I really wanted to make time for her but time just could not be accomodated.

I really don't want the friendship to be strained at all. I really cherished her a lot. Have I taken her for granted? No matter what it takes, I really want our friendship to be like before.

We used to write 'love letters', talk on the phone for hours and hours, go out even if I have strict curfew, sms almost every day.

Seeing her having other good friends that would keep her company and cheer up, I'm happy for her, but at the same time, I felt jealous. Cuz I'm not the one there for her anymore... If only I have not entered LAserFLAIR, our friendship would not have been strained. I really hate myself a lot for not making more sacrifises for this friendship.

I don't know why. I couldn't stop those tears from flowing whenever I read those letters that you have written to me. I really miss those times where we were there for each other... Can anyone tell me how do I get back this friend?

2008-06-24T17:03:00.004+08:00

I have started work on Thursday. Alvin wants me to be at HQ becuz of the fair at j8. Therefore I'll not be working in outlets unless Alvin sends me to Lot 1 after HQ`ing. But it's tiring working there from 9 plus. SAM wants to go there at 9. WTF? When everyone starts work at 1030 in outlets. He says I'll get one more hour of pay as I still go back to outlet to help. I'm super tired as I have to wake up at 0715am, then have to take bus to JE, take train to Kranji, then take bus to Mandai Estate and finally walk all the way to Innovative Tower 2. Actually I can just walk to the 178 bus stop and take a bus all the way there. But I dunno how long the trip is...

Is like robotic job. I have to scan the price and paste those stickers. Some still have to use scotch tape after pasting the sticker. Is like more than 100 cartons that I have done. Cuz no one isn't that dumb as me to enjoy HQ`ing. At least working there can keep my mine off from him and every thing.

I'm sick in the mind.I was practically talking to Guowei about guy customers in Lot 1 on Sunday. We just have different comment over guys... Some more we keep guessing their age. To confirm that , we will look at their IC no while doing rental services. LOLS. Guowei thinks he's going to be a gay soon. Come on lahs, I saw his gf's pic, she looks so sweeeeeet!

Guowei: Today u sure very shiok right? All the handsome customer all let you serve.

Me: Okays lah. Also don't have their number. Some more, only see see what. (while doing rental service, keep observing cutie's IC no.)

Guowei: You never take the chance to take advantage of them when you give them change?

Me: Choy lah! I not so pervertic. It's enough to admire them le. Some more most of them got GF liao le. Dont worry, I'm not sad.

Guowei: Ask only what. If you really take advantage of them, you're really sick lahs. Hahas...

I thought I would just forget about him. Like what I say, feeling doesn't just go just like that... But we are worse than strangers now. Maybe joining yourfilm.sg is a mistake for me. Is like an angular love thingy for this project. It's best for me to quit this before I really get hurt like how I used to.

2008-06-19T01:20:00.002+08:00

My heart is once again shattered. I'm really fine. Those tears just washed away the pain he has inflicted on me. He's not mine to begin with. It seems like he doesn't even want to talk to me. We are supposed to have a talk to clear everything. Should I just say what I got to say and not care about him being egoistic???

2008-06-19T00:53:00.002+08:00

I'm really dissapointed in him. He don't like me, is okay. But he's like 'cut and copy' each courtship towards each girl. He'll just leave the girl infront behind without warnings or signals when he fails. I'm just just so pissed with his attitude. When he needs me, he'll look for me, when he needs someone else, he'll leave me alone. I just can't stand people who lie to me. If he just got into a relationship, just tell me, he don't have to lie to me. He's hurt now. I'm not happy though.

All I want is for him to just wake up. Feelings for someone doesn't just go away. But the dissapointment I had in him, just make my feelings for him disappear. He just treats love too lightly and all his words just keeps changing. I'm just tired of him. We'll just be friends.

2008-06-11T18:34:00.004+08:00

He's just like a kite, and I'm holding onto the string with worries that the string would just snap anytime. I just want to be by his side, even though I know that no matter how hard I try, if it's impossible, it'll always be impossible. I know what's right is to see him happy with the person that he really like. But each time I know he's pursuing his happiness, my heart will just ache. I just can't stand the way I'm feeling. How can I be so selfish? I must not ask for much, I should be happy that I'm beside him as a friend already.

Then again, I always feel that I'm just a stranger in his life, he'll never open his door and let me in. Sometimes I just want to really care for him but I just feel that my care and concern cannot be reached to him. Maybe just being quiet will be good enough? Maybe he just doesn't want me to pin much hope on him, so he refused to open his door? I don't know. All along, I'm always guessing his feelings and thoughts until he tells me what happened.

I don't know how long more I can hold him. Nad says I should be by his side now as it's the crucial time. I really feel so dumb as to stay by him even though I know he'll never turn back and look for me. All I ever need is for him to appreciate me...Nothing will make me happy if he's not happy... But I really don't know how he feels, so I'm really trying hard to hold back my feelings and emotions for him.

I really feel so useless. So what if I like him so much, yet I don't know how to care for him. All I can ever do is to sit beside him silently and be there for him whenever he needs me. But I guess, he'll never turn to me. People tends to look at the person in front, and not the person at the back. No matter how much I care, he'll never know.

How much I wish I could just l0et my emotions out, share with him all my problems and cry infront of him and tell him how much I need and cherish him. But I'll never do so. I'll always hide my teary eyes from him, because I don't want to let him see me in tears. I'll always wear a smile and act that I'm fine... Becuz he wants me to smile.

What's more about today is, I start to realise how insignificant I am to everyone. My existence here seems redundant. I feel so loved in KRSS, not in ITE. In the past, people will just care for me and ask me what's wrong. Even how tired they were, they'll want me to tell them my problems and they'll listen patiently and try to help me solve them. Whenever I want to give up, they'll encourage me to move on. They'll never leave me in lurch. In ITE, sometimes I just feel so lonely and discourage. Even how late I go to classes, how much lessons I missed, how much I don't understand the modules, no one gives a damn about it. I really want to change a course badly and I guess, even if I want to be coward to change my course, no one will stop me from doing so. Cuz no one cares.

The problems at home are adding on. I have refused to talk to anyone at home again because conflicts will just start. I really don't what to open my mouth anymore.I really hate going home le. How much I wish I could tell anyone my problems. But who's interested to know my problems? I rather keep things to myself then to disturb anyone.

*I just can't stop my tears from flowing. If only I can remove all the pain that I'm under.... No matter how hard I try, this pain will never go away...

2008-06-10T19:01:00.003+08:00

I'm so useless. All I can do is sit silently beside him, when I know he's feeling so broken inside. He feels so dejected and unappreciated. The date for the launch is drawing near, yet not much people's aware of it and serious about it. Many things were screwed up, That Mrs. Tong is putting so much stress on him and Max. Well, they are the chairs and they still have to perform on that day itself. There's also so much paperwork to be done. My head of secretary's missing, admin doesn't know what I exactly want AND I have no one to turn to, but him. I really feel bad for stressing him. As he's the one who knows clearly what is needed, so I have to seek his help.

Some more nowadays, I just feel so blur and retard. I just can't get what people wants and I have to keep asking them just to clarify every darn thing. I feel that I'm just a pain in everyone's arse. I seriously don't want to disappoint him. I just want to do a good job. But I'm adding stress to him. I feel so bad. It's like the more I don't want to disappoint him, the more I can't make it.

Words to console people is easy. But to let the person to listen to it, is difficult. It really breaks my heart seeing him cry yet I can't do anything. His tears were vulnerable to me. I don't want to see him sad. I really feel so useless. I just can't open my mouth and tell him what I want to say. If only I know what to do...

I'M JUST SO SAD TO THE MAX!

2008-05-27T00:03:00.002+08:00

I do wonder, if I'm not brought into this world, many things would not have happened. I hate myself becuz I'm born into a family that constantly force me to lose my character. Eventually, the person that everyone knows, is not the true me anymore. I'm really tired.

A family in which no one would admit one's mistake and any explanation would just be any lie to cover up one's mistake. The feeling of being accused and the feeling of not giving one a chance to explain simply sucks!

I seriously don't understand why this family seems just warm in front of every one. Who knows it's just so cold on the inside? All I al ways needed is just some care and concern. It seems so hard...

I don't wish to blame dad for every thing but the way mum protects him really does made my heart hurts. Even though she knows how bad dad treats her, she'll just protect him. On the other hand, she's the one so hurt. All she wants is to hold this family and not give up dad to her.

But dad's no longer the one I used to love.I don't know what to do!!! All I can do for mum is to tolerate her and never to let dad knows that mum knows every thing. I just can't stand the way dad treats mum. But the love she has for him has stopped me from hating him.

2008-05-20T16:46:00.002+08:00

We ain't together. We are gonna try. If it's really not possible, we'll just stay as good friends. It's just simple as that. Sometimes, no matter how much you like that person, if it's not suitable, there's no point holding on to that person. Why not just care for him as a friend. =)

2008-05-17T21:25:00.004+08:00

I don't know that's the start of love or not? I don't want my past mistakes to happen again. To love someone is easy, but to forget someone is difficult. I understand the pain to let go, so i don't want the exact stuffs to happen to me again.

How long can I stop my feelings for you from developing? I really don't want to like you bcuz I don't wish to be heart-broken, just like before. I chose to hide my feelings from you bcuz I'm afraid that it's awkward to even be friends. Sorry for keeping my feelings from you. Maybe one day you'll pass by my blog and view this post. Who knows?

I cherish you alot as a friend bcuz, whenever good times or bad times, you'll always be there for me.You said before that you won't want to lose me as a friend. That gives me more reasons to hold my emotions for you.

I can't stop myself from caring you. I don't know how. I don't know what to do. HELP! How much I wish I have the guts to love again...

2008-05-15T17:54:00.002+08:00

Yes. I'm emotionally weak. I can't stand criticism. Cuz I believe that everyone has got their own flaws. We should just accept who they are.. If you can't tolerate, it also doesn't gives you the right to go around correcting others just to make yourself feel good. I fucking don't like people to tell me what to do, because I have a mind of my on, I know what's best for me. I don't wish to change myself, just to make the entire to like me. I'm who I am, like it or not, that's your own fucking problem. Don't make your problem like my problem. Some people just have to learn how to respect other people.

Stop testing my patience lahs. I didn't say anything, it doesn't meant that I'm not offended. I kept quiet, doesn't meant that I'm alright and you can just keep insulting me and expect me take it as a joke and play along.If you don't want others to treat you bad, you should treat every one nicely.

Anyway, today I have this sudden urge to accept how SHBs are behaving and befriends with them. I have no idea, why this came across my mind. I just think that they aren't that bad, just that they are diry minded. Lols. I know people might not agree to my thinking. But so what? I own my feelings and thoughts.

I also can't stand that thong thong anymore. The project is getting on smoothly and why must she get involved in it? Is like so what she's the teacher and she obtained the chance for us to be involved in this? It doesn't gives her the right to cut in into everything and create chaos for us. Now every darn thing is delayed and there will be more problems arising le.

She super ridiculous lahs. She replaced the Wushu performance with a skit and wants us to support her fucking idea. Why she has to insist on something that will never ever gonna catch anyone's attention???

She just wants to instill her thinking into ours and never has she ask whether we are willing or not. She has never listen to us and always force us to listen to her. She should fucking unnderstand that her job is to assist us and not to hinder our progress. She should respect our decision and not forcing us to accept her riculous concepts. How much I wish a masking tape who stop all her noise now.

2008-05-14T19:22:00.003+08:00

Well. Today something real funny happened to me lahs. Cuz Yunlong finally came to school today. Then he wanted to lend my memory stick of myPSP, after that, he returned to me....But the sad thing is, my memory stick can't be read anymore. I tried his memory stick, also cannot. So I think is he suay lahs. Lucky he's cute, if not I sure flare up lahs. LOLS. Just joking.... He got gf de... hahas... Seriously, he give that innocent face, I also don't know how to be angry with him.

Some people very bad de. I didn't want to stir up anything, so I kept quiet, smile and turn away. I do have my own feelings and thoughts. Before you say or do anything, please do consider other people. If you don't want others to hurt you, so you shouldn't hurt othes in the first place.

2008-05-11T20:12:00.002+08:00

I shall tell you guys what I'm busy with now.

Basically, I'm the assistant secretary of the proj yourfilm.sg. Meaning to say, ITE, Dover's working with SWCDC to organise this event which is taking place at Youth Park, 21st June, 4-6pm. I'm helping my Chairman with the publicity department, which makes me busy luh. Some more at nite, Ronnie, my chairman and I, still have to do meeting to confirm everything.

I do enjoy working with many different people and bcuz of this project, I got to know many pple le. Hahas. Don't worry, I'm not MIA.

2008-05-01T17:45:00.001+08:00

I'M ANGRY. I'M ANGRY.

2008-04-27T18:00:00.002+08:00

Life seem just so fragile.. I thought I could hold those tears and stop them from flowing down my cheeks, but I couldn't. Although his death is long anticipated, but none of us expects it to be this soon. Death is just a matter of time. Who knows I might be the next one. Do cherish every one beside you before they finally leave you.

I'm sad. I miss Grandpa. I really miss those that has left me. I know these words are late... Nobody shall understand how pain my heart's now. I smile, I laugh, just to show how strong I am. I'm just a weakling. A useless kiddo. A dumb ass.

2008-04-24T18:54:00.002+08:00

Got scolded by Mr.Max for coming late when he repeatedly asked me to come on time... Hehe...This class rep arh... Always nag at me for coming late de...

Xing Ru might leave us soon... Cuz she wanna take private Diploma instead... I told her not to leave me, but keep saying I got my Mr. Weekdays.... Cuz I got along well with her ma.... =)

My Mr. Weekdays(Planned By Xing Ru):
Monday:Thir
Tuesday:Max
Wednesday:Philbert AKA Mr. Big Bird
Thursday:Yun Long
Friday: Mun Hong

We were in the canteen... Then Xing Ru saw me and Mr. Friday having the same drink... Then he went blushing when she kept teasing him...ROFL la... cuz both of us every day will bicker or fight, how come will blush de?

Mr. Monday's okay with 'our game'
Me: Thir, Don't happy cuz today not Monday hor!
Thir: K lar, I wait until next week for my turn lor...

Mr. Thursday went missing today.... Then got to know he was suspended with the other newbie... He was super funny la... Cuz the head of department told Mdm Ng that she has suspended the both of them from lessons until they have a decent haircut and uniform...

Then Mdm Ng didn't allow them in... Then Mr.Thursday shouted to her that she's CRAZY! Somemore with his blur and cute look la... Then the whole class went ROFL like mad la... Then they kept arguing and arguing... Hahas... Then Mdm Ng think I'm a bit siao siao de, cuz I every day also change place... She thought I quarrel with anyone... Then I told her, I like to mix with others....

After all, I like this class alot... Cuz they'll help even before you ask them to help. It's the kind of bond that we have... Still remember on the first day,none of us spoke and my only conversation according to Max was thank you... LOLS... Though there are still the SHB group that disgusted us... SHB= Super Horny Bastards!And the LIVE IN THEIR OWN WORLD group, the majority of us are fun loving! I still have my Mr Weekdays oh... LOLS... Joking only la..

2008-04-23T21:44:00.002+08:00

Well, I'm not deserting my blog, just that I'm devoting my precious time to sleep. Hehe... I'm not used to bang bang those books and listen to lectures after lectures, doing pratical stuffs and that... I miss L/F!

I like my current class. We have a siao kia class rep, Maxiii!!! It's kind of different from secondary school life... Cuz we all mix well with each other...

Although most of the time I end up hitting the guys...Hehe... But the guys are better than those in sec school.

SCHOOL, 4 years to come to an end!!!

2008-04-09T15:09:00.002+08:00

I have officially left LaserFlair. It's kind of sad, because I have made quite some friends and I have to leave for good. Maybe I'll go back, but I'm not sure about it though.

I wasn't able to work with Wennie on Friday for the last time. I was posted to Funan to help that old man instead. Funan provides a wide variety of choices as compared to any other outlets. I wonder the customer has ever seen DVDs before or not? Cuz almost each customer would purchased up to 80 bucks.Unlike IMM, you can see a long queue, but each only taking 1 to 2 $6.95 disc.

Anyway, school's starting next week. I'm not prepared at all. I hate studying. In secondary school, I still can sleep and ask help from Fang, now I have to be independant le. Zzz.... All the best to myself.

By the way, I have talk things out with him. We are friends now. It's best not to go on further... I'm alright now. =)

2008-03-24T13:25:00.002+08:00

These few days my old man was seriously sick, thought he was dead. LOLS. Cuz he had been not contacting me for quite a few days, then we came to a plan to make him worry for me instead and the plan did succeed. I was bad enough to tell him if he really care then call, if not next time don't even call me anymore. So the next day he called then said I called cuz he care de.

He heard that my mood wasn't tt good and feeling sad. I told him what had happened. He wants me not to be so pessimistic, if not he'll givc up on me and let me go.

Every time I needed him, he's always busy, so I have no chance to tell him a thing. Therefore I was angry with him. He said he has to pay full attention to FC. Cuz his pay depends on it, so he'll have lesser time for me. That means, more time with Alvin at night. *Oops!* Sounds kind of weird?!

He wants me to find another person. Cuz he stays at Tampines, while I stay at Jurong. It's difficult to meet, I should find someone that can take care of me better. I was furious at him la. So I asked him whether he regretted is it??? He said he care for me, so he doesn't wants me to regret. I didn't even say I regret a thing la. He's also been thinking too much.

He still keep saying he's going to find someone else. He don't even have enough time for me la. He's crappy. Yesterday, he was working with Kat, so I asked him how was it? Then he say, working with pretty one, of cuz good la. Kat's of cuz good, she still came down with her guy to look for me at Pioneer Mall. Then ZW still ask why I not scared he work with her. Cuz she's engaged le. So ZW want to find a female single staff to work with and make her fall in love with him. So I was saying, he's thinking too much. Like what Huixian say, a SWEET POTATO and STUPID!!! hahas...

I'm going to Dover, to study DECC. haix. Will I lose him when we have even lesser time in future???? =(

2008-02-28T10:51:00.002+08:00

I told tt old man tt I'm working till end of April. He just nod his head and ignored me. I fucking hate him la. He fired Alwin cuz he say he'll only work till end of this month. PM plus IMM only adds up to 3 people after Wennie goes back Malaysia for some good reasons for a month.

I'm supposed to meet him today. But for-he-knows my reasons, we are not meeting yet. The problem's with me again. Hahas... His birthday's coming. We decided to share a gift but I still wanna buy him an individual gift. But I don't know what's practical. Zzz...

Haix... I month to go for most of us.. Raymond's going back to study. Hahas... He seems convincing this time. He's bloody mad!!! His ITE record consist of 3 schools le.His reasons for studying accountancy's to see pretty girls while working 9-5 job. Zzz...I used to detest him, but now, still ok la. Maybe got common topic lor. Hope he's going back to study for goodness sake. Cuz our company's pay isn't that fantastic.

I don't know what's wronf with me but I'm still not prepared to meet him. Call me an idiot! hahas. I'm just so crazy over him.

2008-02-23T09:19:00.005+08:00

I thought every thing would be fine. But it seems like, getting myself into this job and getting myself into this 'relationship', has caused me to lose my friends. It is m y fault to get into this 'relationship' or is it too early? I don't want to lose my friends. Should I just end this 'relationship' before my friends really do leave me?

I admit that I'm starting to neglect my friends but I do try to still show my concerns but they seems useless.Since my concerns are useless and redundant, I just keep myself away from them. But I know this isn't the way out and I can just avoid this problem and nothing could be solved. Maybe I should just my 'relationship' with him and things might be better off when I quit to return to school?

To: Pj
I don't know what's wrong but why is it so difficult for us to meet and even communicate now? Can I know the problem because I really do care for you.It's been ages since we last met up. I want us to get back like before. Sorry if I really do neglect you. I really do cherish you alot. But is like, I just can't get your attention ma.... :(

To: SH
Anyway, thanks for all your help in LaserFlair.It's so soon that you are leaving us. I wanted to leave but not now. Not because of him but I just don't want to re-adapt another environment. Since school's starting soon le ma.Why can't I know the reason of your 'early escape'? You evil la, keep so many secrets from me!!! Tell me if I should end the 'relationship' ma???

2008-02-13T11:26:00.002+08:00

Ever since I got to know you, my life starts to change a lil'. Whenever I brood over things or get emo, you'll stop me from it.I just promise you to be happy and yea, I'm happy because of you. But I'm sad at times because of you. Why are you a WORKAHOLIC??? That's what I can't tolerate about you. Geez. I hate that old man for asking you to work today.

2008-02-07T18:34:00.000+08:00

I just wanna thank you for bringing colours back to my world. I'm not who I used to be after I have known you.I know our age gap is rather wide and you really don't want me to regret. I'm only turning 18 and I'll meet many kinds of guys, so you want me to make the right decision. But up till now, I have never regret yet, as I know what's best for me.

I've gotten used to you in my life. Whenever things gone wrong, the first person comes into my my mind is you, I guessed I have been relying on you too much. This ain't a easy relationship to start, so I really do cherish it. I'm really scared to meet up, because I'm afraid that I'll lose you.

The trust we had is not to be questioned. But sometimes I really do have many questions to ask you but I just don't know how should I go about asking you.You are different from the guys that I have known, so I rather not ask you anything.

I just don't want to let you go.

2008-02-07T10:29:00.000+08:00

Whee~ I've gotten my white PSP at $359. I'm poor for this entire month. It comes with some games, but I'm buying other games on my next pay. I intended to buy the red one, but it costs an extra 20 bucks. But I'm tempted to change it soon.The red one looks indeed fabulous!!! Sis and her bf has got the red one each la. So SWEET of them!!!

I guess I'll miss my sweetest alot. He can only call me on Saturday... He asked me to sms him. I know he dreads to sms.Even if I were to sms, he'll take a long time to reply. Zzz... What I like about him is that, for anything he does, he'll tell me and won't keep me from anything. What I dislike about him is that, he has a bad memory. LOLS.

2008-02-03T01:05:00.000+08:00

Have been reflecting about my future intentions and goals of my life. These were what that has never came across my mind.

Well, I'm happy with my current working life. I have great colleagues that treat me nice and they really make me don't bear to leave. But I have to accept the fact that, the pay is LOW!!! I'm glad that, after CNY, I only have to go to Pioneer Mall on weekends.

I have set my mind on him. I'm firm with this decision. He's the right one for me now. We confirmed our feelings and we'll meet up after CNY. I'm afraid to meet because I'm scared that the feeling might not be the same and he has the same thinking as I do. I'm sure he does love me... For the things he did for me, does touches me. But to understand a person, it takes some time, to really understand someone, it might take forever. =)

I'm going ITE for sure. Rather than I waste a year retaining, why not get a cert and progress to Poly? But I'm not going Bishan to accompany Raymond. Hahas... He's a joker for sure. Keep asking me to join him at Bishan. There's a potential one at Dover, why must I travel all the way down? What I hate the most is, I still have be in uniform for another 2 years. Fuck. Hahas... If I happen to be able to get enrolled into the course at Tampines, I don't know I should go for the course sake or not. I shall leave it to fate.

I guess I'll be sleeping soon... If not he'll nag at me again tmr. Hahas... I just so in love. =)

2008-01-29T00:55:00.000+08:00

I'm super pissed off by ZJ!!!
When I reached IMM, hen Wennie started to complain to me about ZJ and LH. I was fucking shocked liao. Then I went to arrange those VCDs, shifted up and down. They didn't shift those VCDs and just slot them up. Wennie told me that,the day before the VCD was transferred already, SW didn't have time to arrange it, when ZJ told her that, she said that it's ok, leave it tmr. ZJ then asked if Wennie wanted to leave it for me to arrange? I was swearing hard when I heard it la.

Just as I thought, my disasters were over, I saw the exact scenario for the DVDs. I have to spent my time fucking arrange it. They didn't took initiative ysd to arrange it. Is like they shit liao, ask me help them wipe their asses for them la. That ZJ is fucking cb kia la.

ZJresigned liao, then I have to in charge PIONEER MALL for temporary. I don't want the responsibility at all. I hate that ulu ulu place also. Now they keep putting me there to train me for new year. It's a shit I've gotten myself into!

I've gotten myself a shitty result. I don't wanna retain. I don't want to get into any lousy poly courses. I'm going ITE. He thinks it's okay.Hahas... Don't ask me how much I've gotten, cuz it's too lousy until I'm embarrass to say it. =)

TO: HIM

Why are things so complicated now? I feel like crying out loud now. I feel so loss now. I wanted to tell you the situation now, but where are you??? I'm feeling so terrible when we can't tell out our relationship.... ARGH!!! X and R are my greatest problems. The worse thing now is, ZJ, bombed it to SW le. I miss u terribly today. I bet you fell asleep le. =(

2008-01-14T18:46:00.000+08:00

=) I'm enjoying my work when I'm not posted to PIONEER MALL. I hate that place cuz it's a ulu ulu heartland mall. It's darn boring there, working with Zhang Jing. I wanna fleece away from there. It's hellish there. I rather go far far than to go there rot.

Yesterday
Early in the morning, Wennie tell me got 14 boxes of goods when she came in the morning.In the afternoon, Jinkun called and complained, told us he got many boxes of goods, when there's 7 only!!!

Then a guy bought the predator head home!!! It cost $299.90!!! He didn't even open and see it la. I still help to cary it and put it in his car.

* I don't wanna complicate stuffs and that. Peijie and Siok Hong should understand what I'm talking about. So I can't blog about my feelings here anymore.

=) Well, I'm just so crazy over you and I can't stop it!!____ Tell me, it won't be over..........

2008-01-07T02:11:00.000+08:00

I can't sleep! He ask me sleep early, he has to attend to a troubled friend... Kill him tmr for leaving a sleepless one. Hahas... I won't kill him for goodness sake! hahas...At most give him a tongue slashing nia. Well, I'm not so bad to ask him ignore the friend and sms me instead right? hahas...

I'm bored to tears. When I'm online, everyone's asleep. When other's online, I'm at work. When I need someone to listen to me, everyone's in lala land le. Like what I tell SH, my family's problem doesn't lose out to any local made drama serials la. I just wanna scream my lungs out and cry out louds and blabber non-stop about all my problems. But, I see no chance for it. HELP!!! =(

2008-01-07T01:40:00.000+08:00

Haix... Suwai transfer me to Pioneer Mall to work out. They wanna prepare me to do rental. I super hate that place cuz it's inconvenient. Plus all the waiting time of buses and the trip, it'll take at most an hour. I rather they transfer me some where like Lot 1 where I can take a bus ride to JE then take MRT, and I'll reach my destination. Haix...

So, today, I'm working with Karen to re-learn rental lor. Their barcode reader sucks to the max, it's not as sensitive as IMM's. Haha... I got super blur with the deposit thingy and finally got it right and worse of all is that, I have deal with the reused title. Thanks to Karen, I get to change a day with Zhang Jing back to IMM with Alvin. Hahas.

I'm already blur le, then some customer super cute one la. Take rental one, ask me whether there's for sale one, or when they ask you for a title, you ask them whether wanna rent or for sale, they say they wanna take a look only. hahas...

Karen like to disturb ZW sia,say he call to look for me but ks say he want this and that.She make until he dare not call. hahas... ZW scared the entire LaseFLAIR knows about it ma. Hahas... I also don't want, cuz that Uncle Alvin will think a lot de. hahas... But thanks to him, the customer then understand what predator head that I'm talking about. hahas.. $299.90, don't know who will buy la.

I miss Chan KH recording my late coming. I miss Mr. Lim saying, you late again arh? I miss Lee FY asking me memorise chinese idiom. I miss going for PE lessons where Koh SL will ask us run and run. I miss Mdm Koh talking to me about juniors. I miss Miss Tan correcting my pronunciations. I miss Chan KH's maths qns. I miss Mr Yamin's Geog. I miss everything about KRSS now.

2008-01-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

Today's a joyous day to celebrate, but I'm tied down by my work... Working with Qingde the last time. In the morning, I was super pissed off by him and SL. When Xuelian works with me again, I'll complain to her. Haha... Worse come to worse, I'll complain to Alvin, see what he'll suggest.

I was chatting with ZW then Qingde started to say he's my 'ai ren' la.Then keep asking me to take goods from him... But now me and ZW got used to being teased le. So SH, no worries! ZW don't wanna tell me his age, then I say I'll ask Suwai, then he say I not scared Suwai disturb me? Then I told him, never mind la, I won't mind de. Cuz it's better than being spread that I'm a lesbian ma. Haha... LOL...

I think LaseFLAIR colleagues are much more outgoing and caring. They don't bear grudges and even if don't know each other well, still will chat like crazy and share gossips around. =)

Besides those sickening ones, my job seems perfect in my eyes. I'll suggest to Suwai maybe to post my working place around, cuz it's not fair to others where they have to travel long hours when I'm only posted to IMM only. =)

-year 2008

It's not about I like him or not, but I think, guys that are older than me, suits me more.Maybe because I like guys that are decisive and I don't wanna risk myself in any relationship. I don't like guys that always go along with my decision, they should have their own mindset and thoughts. I look for someone that I wanna live together for life, and not one for the sake of having a bf, I find one.

2007-12-30T23:07:00.000+08:00

Went to watch Alvin and the chipmunk with sis last night. She waited for me to knock off ma.I think that's a nice movie to watch but darn that guy for telling us that our sit's a better view then the upper one.

Yeah. Have been warning Siok Hong to go SHH SHH about me and that J8 lao da, Ziwei. Qing De also say he will announce it every where. Cuz he's jealous about me being on good terms with j8 people and other outlet's people. LOL. I'll miss this crazy guy. Cuz I'll be working with Qing De the last time tomorrow with Siew Ling.

On Friday was fun. Cuz SL changed her bottle that's exactly the same as QD. Then QD drank from her bottle. He was spitting like mad la. Then he asked me how? Then I was LMAO. WHen SL came back from lunch, I broke to her the news. Then she dare not drink again. Then I was thinking why can't sia? Maybe I make her too embarassed le. THen QD say he's lucky, cuz he's not the victim. Then he kept disturbing me about ZW, so I threatened him that I'll drink from his bottle. Cuz I don't mind and won't mind de. He's 21, but behaves like a kiddo la. hahas...

I think Ghim Tian's cute la. Cuz he gave me an inventory code that has an extra number, so I asked him why sia? Then I went to check and jumble the numbers, then I was laughing at him until he super paiseh that he say he go check again la. Then he call back then I found out that for that title, we have lose 7 of them la. So I didn't want to give. But in the end gave it to him, cuz XL say so.

My life in LazerFLAIR's better off with crazy people like ZW and JinKun. Ask them to transfer goods, in the end, chat and chat fun.LOL. I guess that's how we get our fun ba.

2007-12-25T18:05:00.000+08:00

My life's all about working now. Friends are neglected and I'm neglected as well. There's nothing I can do now. I need money for my expenses when sch starts..

My work has enabled or in fact forced me to grow up and become aggressive with my words.
I have to deal with unreasonable customers and customers that are blurer than me?!

Anyway. I have to make it clear too. I ain't a LESBIAN. Before I started working here, I spent 90% of my life talking to girls but now, at least I chat with those male colleagues from other outlets. Suwai thinks that SH and I were les partner. We chat and sms daily only ma.

Yesterday was freaking scary. Cuz I gave my colleague my email add and my number, then at 1 plus someone sms-ed me Merry Christmas and named himself as Jason, then I was thinking, shouldn't be him and he's not that lame to give himself another name ba. I called back to confirm my thinking. After listening to his HELLO, I was sure that he's not my colleague. He said he got the wrong number lor. Maybe his fren changed number le. Freak my ass lor! Everytime got funny pple sms and call de. Maybe befoe I used this number, the one before me is SUPER SOCIALABLE lor. hahas.

Just to update you guys, I have trimmed away my hair and highlighted it red. Someone say I copied one of his precious female group's member's hairstyle. Better than him, don't dare come into my workplace, so BIG and PURPLE, look in from afar! Make me think of Barney, that PURPLE dinosaur la!? At least Barney's cute lor! hahas... This hairstyle has already exusted in the 80s le. If you wanna quarrel with me, check your facts rigt first la!!!! Thanks SH for you info. Zzz.... tsk...tsk...

MERRY CHRISTMAS ANDDDD EARLY NEW YEAR!!! =)

2007-11-30T22:24:00.000+08:00

My work's getting boring le. LOL. But at least I can earn money $$$. hahas... I guess I am not suitable to be working. I just want to prove that I ain't a spoilt brat nia. hahas...

Love's a complicated stuff. I'll never get into a relationship easily. Yeah. The RIGHT MOMENT. Good things are for those who wait. =)

2007-11-23T02:06:00.000+08:00

FIRST DAY OF WORK:
Arrived at workplace at 1015 am. SH told me that the opening time’s 1030am. Met my first batch of colleague: Chui Boon and Siew Ling. They were nice people. They taught me how to differentiate between code 1 and 3 DVD and the prices, cashier, remove of sensor. They also taught me how to use the NETS and MASTER CARD/VISA machine. My boss is the cutest guy with a moustache! LOL!!! He's a super nice boss that treats every one well.

SECOND DAY OF WORK:
Get to see my supervisor, Su Wai and Jovin ( Sun Plaza). On rotational basis with Siew Ling and Jovin, we have to tend the shop from outside to look out for shoplifters. Su Wai has to return to Lot 1. SH sms-ed me and to ask who’s the guy. I was like, “Kira”!!! According to his cashier account ma. Hahas… Death Note 2 sia. LOL.

A customer bought from us 2 Disney DVD and asked for the ‘Shrek the 3rd' poster.

Customer: Can I have the poster? My kid has to watch either of the ‘Shrek’ movie before he sleeps daily.
Jovin: Cannot! You have to buy the DVD.
Customer: I have bought it already, but I didn’t ask for it that time. Never mind la….
Me: ( Accounting for his purchase)
Jovin: Here’s your poster!!! ( Rolling the poster)
Me: LOL. Why so long sia. I want to laugh liao lor!

The 2nd customer was really rude. He purchased from us less than $30 and we told him politely that to use MASTERS/VISA, he needs a minimum purchase of $30. HE then told us that this is illegal! We have to inform your supervisor about it. WE were like DOTS… Always remember this: THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!! Jovin’s a pleasant colleague. He taught me many other things that some other have not covers to me yet.

3rd DAY OF WORK:
Met my permanent colleague, other than Siew Ling, Xue Lian. She taught me how to transfer goods to HQ or other outlets. She’s very independent and not that strict with me de. Haha…

OFF ON TUESDAY!!!
Sis was a little unwell. Well… Stayed at home with her and spent our whole day watching Dragon Ball. Goku’s super cute and invincible!!! Watching animes really brighten my day up!

WEDNESDAY:
I was posted to PIONEER MALL with Su Wai. From Boon Lay, take bus 243. Alight when you see a GIANT from afar. She nearly bang the wall le bah. LOL. I told her that, although this is my first job, I really expect people to be fierce with me. She taught me all about RENTING and RETURNING. It was tough and I really did my best but my concentration was just not there. I have to be careful of the placing of movies and the number of DVD or VCD rented out.

1 new DVD + 1 old DVD = I day for new and 2 days for old
1 new VCD + 1 old VCD = 1 day for new and 2 days for old
MAXIMUM 3 NEW, 7 OLD; PER ACCOUNT (FREE MEMBERSHIP)

TODAY:
Peggy was unreachable. AT around 12+, Su Wai decided to post me to Lot 1 with SH and Hui Xian. After my lunch, rushed like mad woman to Lot 1. Met another new colleague, Hui Xian. She taught me how to return deposit and stuffs. Made a major mistake that really made me corrected all my doubts. SH is my colleague for today only. SO SAD! LOL. I was a little blur today again le. Haha.

Me: HELLO! LaserFLAIR.
Him: Who are you?
Me: I’m Yi Lin!
Him: So you are Yi Lin. HELLO! Ask Hui Xian to answer the call.
Me: ORH… (DOTS….)

ME: SH, their voice sounds so similar. I wonder is Jovin or Qing De la.
SH: Ya lor.

ME: HX, who is it then?
HX: That guy was Qing De.

Me: Why today Ghim Tian never come? I want to disturb him sia.
SH: Today his b-day.
Me: How you know?
SH: He wrote on our schedule.
Me: SHH! I go edit it. If he asks, tell him I edited it de. Haha… =)

So today’s a rather busy day at Lot 1. We met all sorts of customers such as one guy who bought $450+ using cash to pay. I wonder his family’s from the triad or not sia. LOL!!! SH was laughing her ass out la. LOL.

To work here, one needs patience and determination. It isn’t that easy. Being punctual is important too. In school, I may be blacklisted for late coming, but for work, so far, I was never late before. In school, the teachers would give us chances after chances, but at work, everything’s realistic.I'll work here for long I guess. I have gotten used to standing and walking around for 11 long hours. I'll continue to JIAYOU de.

Thanks to those that have contacted me on my Hp and sorry to those that I've rejected your call or missed them. My job's really busy and tiring. Just leave me a sms and I'll reply ASAP. Love Always! =)

2007-11-16T19:00:00.000+08:00

I'll start working tmr. Heard from SH that, Lot 1's tiring and she met an irritating guy that's chao lao and confused her. SHe said that he's worse than Domon!!! I hope that the cute boy won't assign me too tedious of a work. I really don't want dad to visit me at my workplace. I don't want him to ruin my job or distract me in one way or another. Wish me good luck! hahas...

Met Pj just now to pass her my hand-made message card. I promise to buy her a present.. Hope that evil plan will still continue! hahas...

My frienster comment to her:

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to JIE PEI LING!!!

Zu ni shen ri kuai le,
Zu ni shen ri kuai le,
Zu LIN PEI JIE shen ri kuai le!!!!!

Love you forever and ever. I'll give you your prezzie aft I get my first pay. I promise to work at least a month, so that I can buy you something on your wishlist. MEANWHILE, WAIT PATIENTLY_!!!

(#)BEWARE OF THE EVIL PLAN(#)WAHAHA

* WITH LOTS OF LOVE_ ALWAYS`MILU`_YILIN =)

Fine... Thats crazy. I sang to her birthday song at midnight. I sms-ed her a chinese birthday sms. I sent her a friendster comment. Zzz... Like what mama said, am I attracted to girls instead le???

NO!!! Just that I have not met the person that I love that much anymore like how I used to love YK. It isn't easy to meet someone you really love that love you back easily. Time is still not ripe yet. SO HAPPY SINGLE HOOD TO ME!!!! hahas...

That's all I wanna say for now. Update 4 days later when I get my off day.

WORK = NO LIFE = $$$$

2007-11-15T14:51:00.000+08:00

Have gotten myself a job at Laserflair at JE. I'll start work on Saturday if mama and papa allows me to work there. The pay's $1000, work 4 days, off 1 day. hahas... I don't think the pay's high. If I can't tolerate, I'll work for a month and run away! hahas... This shall be my first job. I don't wanna screw it up too. Pray hard that my folks allow me to work there. =)

I have to pay my handphone bill. I want a PSP. That's all I want. If I get into Poly, dad or sis will buy me a laptop.Haha... The secret lies here. They doubt that I'll get into Poly, so the requirement for a laptop's LOW! Sis will also buy me that white colour G shock! Whoots!!! I really pray hard that I can get into Poly!!!

# My love for you's short-lived.` Love me not

2007-11-10T19:42:00.000+08:00

1) I didn't find myself a job yet. They said I should work in Sheng Siong, cuz I don't need to pay for transport and lunch out.

2) Can anyone intro me some jobs? It's best to keep my options open.

3) Classic Panda ain't feeling well. I'm quite worry for him. Hope he gets well soon.

4) I have to find a day to meet up with Jiamin. Haven seen her for ages. I have to meet her next week. She has got her exams 2 weeks later.

5) I'm left with one last set of taiwan drama serials. I'm bored at home. I have to find a job soon, or dad's gonna nag at me like mad.

6) I have to lose 10kg before taking my O level certificate.That's my ultimate goal!!!

2007-11-10T18:59:00.001+08:00

I really remember those memories that we shared. We used to play uno, monopoly, blackjack, Yu-gi-oh cards together, we cycle together. You taught me how to play pool. I can't deny that I have forgotten all these.

I know that you will never come across this blog entry, but I still want to blog it now. I think I'm selfish. You were always there for me whenever I need you. But then again, you have never tell me your problems and I have never asked you. You always appear being happy even when you are not.

The adults blame your mum for allowing you to indulge in playing those jackpot machines. But I have never blamed you for that and worse still, from your eyes I know you are just so troubled and I didn't even took the initiative to ask you what's wrong?

It has been almost 7 months since I last seen you. I have always avoid you after that day. I didn't want to admit my love for you and I didn't want you to make it even clearer to me. I know that for a year, we have stopped talking to each other. I wasn't angry with you, just that I didn't know how to face you like in the past.

You know almost everything about me and I knew nothing about you. All along, I thought he was your dad, but only last month, I then discovered that he's your mum's benefector. All along it was a mistake of mine and you have never corrected me about that.

You made me find that saying I love you and I miss you, the hardest words. Only now, we don't get to see each other, I then discover that I have taken you for granted. I believed, we will meet again. =)

I'll always remember you, my dearest friend- Aloysius

2007-11-07T12:09:00.000+08:00

The terms- love, a crush, like. They seems confusing. Do fairytales happen in real life? I suppose, they won't happen to me.

Yup. Met up with Pj on Nov 6 and 7. 6th, went to Marina and Vivo. Wanted to go to Orchard but it was drizzling.

Twisty

My stud

Vivo

7th Nov

Reflection

After Hair cut

Havaianas 1

Oh!!!

Eternal love doesn't happen at all.

2007-11-04T16:26:00.000+08:00

When moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves I let it go
We build our church above this street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of you
It bathes my skin Im stained by you
And all I have to do is hold you
Theres a racing in my heart
I am barely touching you

[chorus]

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words
Theres only truth
Breathe in breathe out
There is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate our bodies soar
Our feet dont even touch the floor
And nobody knows you like I do
The world doesnt understand
But I grow stronger in your hands

[chorus]

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

We never sleep were always holdin hands
Kissin for hours talkin makin plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep theres just so much to do
Too much to say
Cant close my eyes when Im with you
Insatiable the way Im loving you

[chorus]

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

*`Darren Hayes- Insatiable

2007-11-02T16:52:00.000+08:00

Majority of my papers have ended.

English: Manageable
Chinese: Easier than the previous one
Geography(Elective): Tough
Math: Paper 1 was tough to me, paper 2 was manageable
Combined Science: Physics was in a mess, my brain was dead in the morning, biology was easy

Geo was in a disastrous state. I have to really study for SS, the boring subject. Thanks god that source- based qns's my forte. I'm scared of moderation then the papers. If they push the passing mark higher a notch, I'll be dead. I don't wanna retake, I don't wanna go ITE, I'll never retain! Ite, for my mum's side, my cousins have already covered most of the Ite. For dad's side, all my cousins are big lawyers and good degree holders. I'm in no where. Haix. Not up nor down. How much I wish I could be smarter.

I hate to study. I want to go MI because graduating from JC, there's no cert, therefore it's a must for one to go into Uni. I know myself. I'll just end up with a diploma and that's it. Haix. But the papers really made me feel a sense of hopelessness. If I can get into poly, that might be a miracle. MI, am I asking for the impossible?

I'm left with SS paper and Science Paper 1. All the best to myself! =) Nov 6!!!

2007-11-02T11:59:00.000+08:00

Wednesday's picture. Went out with Pj after the paper.

*Snap me back

Hold your hand tight; never will I let go.

Shoe

Twist

Snap me again.

Looking down

LOSERS!

TWISTY!

2007-11-01T15:05:00.000+08:00

I'm back on the track again. Pj said that Daniel has become average looking. But I still think like no difference leh. I know I'm bad to dump someone on the first date. Hahas. I guess it is best to see him in real life again. Hahas. I don't think a patch is good but it won't hurt for trying again. Haix. My love life's so screwed up. Thanks to the evil clique, I have sorted out my feelings le. I'm free to anyhow love again le. Hahas. I don't have anyone in mind yet. I'm trying to choose a right one before beginning. I shall make real life friends with classic panda and see how things go bah. Life's full of choices. so we have to make the right one or will end up in a pile of shit! Hahas. =)

2007-10-28T18:55:00.000+08:00

RANTS!!!

Phew! Some people just have no sense of originality and no friends. There's no point in having the same friends as I do in friendster. I don't see the need in adding many people that you don't even know, just to boost the number of friends you have in friendster. There's no need for you to copy the way I do my templates and the words I used. So, please learn to be original and stop being a copy meow meow! =)

Today's another home alone day. I have to start memorising those maths formulas and english vocab words in half an hours time. I think my maths paper 1 has improved tremendously. From a 22/80, I can get for some paper 1, 52/80. Yes! But I cannot screw up my paper 2 again. Zzz... Math, I hate you! Why are you so complex to me?

Nov 6, faster come. I can't wait for it, man!I can go K-box, I can go out with my other 'neglected' friends!!!

I'm just so crazy over panda. But I think classic panda's cuter! Pj, right??

2007-10-27T02:17:00.000+08:00

Finally met up with PJ and her evil clique; Cheryl, Joey, Pj. We had some fun time at IMM and it was way too early, decided to go to Vivo with Pj.

Saw an act beng buey beng guy at Vivo with Pj today. He had multiple blink blink ear studs and was bragging to his friends the number of ear holes he had. I have eight ear holes and I didnt make a single noise. He has only 3 to 4 and he was making a big HOO HOO out of it. Pj and I looked at one another, showing that disgusted face. She was telling me how disgusting that guy was after we walked away from him. We dislike guys who act beng and is not beng! The worst thing about this guy is that we smelt a strong ba wu when we walked past him. I cannot tolerate people who have ba wu! Pj was irritated cuz I kept emphasizing on the guy's ba wu. But I really cannot stand people who have no sense of hygiene! Those who are not self concious and considerate, letting other people smell their ba wu. I saw a cute mummy's boy at vivo today. It made me think of that fair and cute classmate of Pj's. Im gonna be his real life friend soon. We decided to change our taste for guys. I now prefer those cute, fair and are guai types. Pj now prefer those people with sham sham hairstyle, like those skaterboys. Haha. =)

Our Shoes

Congrats to my FREEDOM

Biou-ing some cute guys!

Still Biou-ing

Gummies.

Gummiessss

Us

Our things

See, hear, talk; no evil(1)

See, hear, talk; no evil(2)

() I'm classic panda's tou hao fans.

2007-10-25T18:51:00.000+08:00

Went to CC to study with SH. Had fun. Let the pic show u my lil' mischief.

The stunt which I wanna master from this uncle.
* He's naughty. Study room, how can he sleep here?

The next day. Met up with bestie.

Bad Boy. I want it!!! I was attracted to it la.

2007-10-21T15:32:00.000+08:00

I used to think running is tiring. But not now anymore. How much I wish I could just run around the reservoir soon. My wounds seem to be taking ages to heal. I'm still limping. My knees can't even be straightened. Haix... It's the 5th day recuperating at home. Hope I'll recover soon. I'm bored staying at home.

2007-10-21T14:57:00.000+08:00

Because you loved me
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you
believed I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

*Celine Dion
1996

2007-10-19T20:39:00.000+08:00

泪
深夜里无法习惯没有你
不愿意再走下去这距离
痛得我不能呼吸
难忘记你的失去

多少眼泪都无所谓
我闭上眼睛不能入睡
只希望你给我一些安慰

这些眼泪我无所谓
真心的对待最珍贵
我回头想起爱情的甜美
永远不后悔

深夜里无法习惯没有你
不愿意再走下去
这距离痛得我不能呼吸
难忘记你的失去

多少眼泪都无所谓
我闭上眼睛不能入睡
只希望你给我一些安慰

这些眼泪我无所谓
真心的对待最珍贵
我回头想起爱情的甜美
永远不后悔

牵领我进入睡梦追随
重温过去我们两梦中相依偎
虽是梦幻愿沉醉

多少眼泪都无所谓
我闭上眼睛不能入睡
只希望你给我一些安慰

这些眼泪我无所谓
真心的对待最珍贵
我回头想起爱情的甜美
永远不后悔

2007-10-19T20:13:00.000+08:00

I'm in a worse state today. I can hardly even stand, let along walking around at home briskly. It just hurts the most walking. I can feel the sensational pain even lying down, sitting down. I can't stand it anymore. I hate to coop at home and rot.Pj wanted to meet me today, but in my current situation, how? I feel so useless when I can't even bath while standing. That's awful to bath sitting down on a chair. Hahas...

Sis is signing me a handphone plan today. Whooties! Finally, I don't have to keep topping up my prepaid card like nobody's business. Haix... I guess I'll have to retake Combined Science and Maths as a private student. Meaning to say, I have to start saving up after Os for half of my fees. I ain't a spoilt brat. I don't have to depend so much on my parents. That's my fault for screwing up my practical.

ARHHHHHHH!!! I'm physically tortured. I hate to be wheel-chaired bounded. =(

2007-10-18T22:53:00.000+08:00

OH HI HI!!! I’m okay now. I had walked out of my sadness and sorrow. It’s not easy as the past always haunts me every night. I do get insomnia still, but what can I do with the past besides reminiscing the good memories? I’m sad today, I still have tomorrow, I still have the day after tomorrow to live. Why not just leave every thing behind and start anew. The future is just there for us to grab. Every pain, every obstacle, every problem we face, is to remind us not to commit te same mistake again...

YESTERDAY
I had a bad fall yesterday. I was on my way back after buying take-away food. I wanted to dodge away from the protruding metal of the drain, but fell down on the road instead. The skin of my knees abrased with the tarred road, I had to limp my way back home. The oncoming car managed to jam the brake on time or I’ll not be here blogging. I always wanted to end my life but I found out that I actually didn’t want to die at all. Life’s fragile; treasure it.

I didn’t like the way every one looked at me. I felt like a new excavation of an extinct dinosaur’s remained on display in the museum. The bus driver thought I feel down while chasing the bus. But it was 2 hours ago when I fell. I had to go to the office to put on some ointment. Thanks to Aunty June and SH for helping me to clean my bloody wound. Mrs. Siew, the VP said she could even hear my voice from next door. It’s painful; of course I’ll be screaming my head off…

1st level
Mr. Koh: I’m happy that you can officially take the lift for once.
Me: HUH!!!
Mr. Koh: Oh no!!! I meant that I’m not happy that you have injured yourself.

2nd level
Mr. Koh: Wait!!! It’s only the 2nd level.
Mr. Koh: Look at her leg!!! (Madam. Azidah, Mr. Lim, Mr. Heng) See what had happened to her.
Mr. Lim: What happened? (In shocked)
Mr. Heng: Woooh!!! Why? You look at Domon across the road right? Aiyo…
Me: No!!!!
Mr. Koh: Of course we know it’s NO lah!!!

Finally, got out of the lift, or I’ll be bombarded with more absurd scenarios and questions. Thank goodness that Mr. Chan didn’t managed to see me in my pathetic state. He’s the master of imagination and visual. He bound to come up with a sensational and dramatic story for my fall and the entire staff room will hear his story of my great fall.

Anyway, it’s a pleasant day despite my great fall. I’ll miss the 2-7pm lessons. The bunch of 4e guys and girls really do cheer me up. I really thank them a lot for their care and concern.

Today
Today’s a tedious day. I have to hobble my way to the bathroom. When the water flows down to my knees, the pain and the burning sensation is just beyond description. I have to leave my house early or I’ll be late for the practical examination. I dressed my wound carefully but find it really tough to walk. I have to limp all my way down. I missed the bus across, so decided to flag down a cab instead then to torture myself. Reached school earlier than I expected. Mrs. Tan was also in shocked. I felt very uncomfortable when there’s so many private candidate and Mrs. Tan, talking to me so loudly.

When I reached the reporting room, every one’s also in scandalized. Sharil’s first reaction was, Wah, motorcycle accident arh? LOL. Damn paiseh lah….

I guess I’ll flunk my practical. I didn’t have enough time for the Biology part and I didn’t know how to answer those questions. I have to memorize the entire textbook down for theory and MCQ, or I’ll be retaking as private candidate too. Haix… I suck big time in drawing. I lack of creativity.

Some things, I chose to keep the ugly side of the truth, because I won’t want to hurt anyone. But am I giving empty hopes because of my protection? Some secrets have to be kept forever, if one day the person finds out, the person would be angry with me for not telling it out. I have to keep the interest of the person who shared the secret and the person who’s kept from the secret. Tell me what should I do?

2007-10-18T15:46:00.000+08:00

2007-10-13T16:35:00.000+08:00

I ain't a perfect person. I do have my own problems. Why is it that when you guys feel troubled and sad, I'm just there for you guys. But when I'm feeling down, who's there to comfort me and ask me what's wrong? I'm really tired. When I'm crying out loud, where are you guys? Yilin, you should be preparing for Os, that's why we won't want to disturb you and distract you. What a convenient excuse it is.

Why is it that I have to approach others, or they'll never approach me? Everyone's either too used to me approaching them or they are simply entertaining me. Like what mama said to me once, why is it that you have to call them and not the otherwise? Yeah... I should stop calling or sms-ing to anyone. I shall wait for you guys to get me instead.

What's the most tiring thing on earth? Is to act that I'm ok, when I feel so troubled and problematic. I don't utter a word, it does not meant that I'm ok at all. I'm beginning to loss my character, my confidence, my life. I have a low self- esteem.I shall stop proving that I'm not what you guys see in me.

I don't like to be a pretender at all. Does anyone know that I'm having cash flow problem at home? Simply NO! Since you guys aren't keen in knowing me, why should I even bother telling it myself? My mum's jobless. My dad's not responible at all. His duty is to pay for all the bills and nothing else. Sis's have to give money to my parents and she has got her own living. Why should she bother about me having enough or not. Mummy and daddy are always unhappy with each other. They bring all the pain and misery to me. So I deserve it? I don't know. How much I wish I could tell mama to get a divorce. But this word seems to be the hardest word for me to say. She loves dad. So she's suffering all his nonsence. My duty in this family is to study and pretend that we have a sweet and happy family.

Mama just keep thinking that I'll go ITE for sure. She just keeps demoralising me and keep saying those nasty words to me. What can I do besides swallowing all these? She's my mum.

Since I'm a disturbance to everyone's life, I should exclude myself from it. My care and concern seems to be extra. My existence seems to be redundant...

Maybe I'm holding on to you too tightly. Myabe I'll never get you at all. Everytime, I'm the one who start the conversation or sms. Maybe you are starting to find me a disturbance and an annoying fellow.It might be my mistake to enter your life as a friend. You can don't like me, but you can't stop me from liking you. Maybe you are just so least interested in me. I don't know what to do. I think I'm caring for you too much already.

#I'm meant to be alone and always feeling lonely.

MIA till 6 Nov. Call or sms me if you care. Or you can just ignore me and exclude me from your life.

2007-10-12T21:24:00.000+08:00

希望-沈祥龙

Sly's new song. I think it's nice.

Have been going nutty memorising and summarising every thing about Social Studies. It's driving me crazy. I hate it, but I need an A for Combined Humanities. I wanna give up but.... I can hear many voices asking me not to give up. Sounds kind of scary...

Mugged till 2+ last night...Until Sis cmae into my room and pushed me to sleep... Mum thought I was possessed or I did something wrong... Seriously, none. If I really want to do something wrong, I'll do it nicely and never let her know.I'm a good girl for now.

I was rushing like mad again for school. I bumped into quite a few people... Wahyudi at the bus stop and Weihao in the bus.... I was talking to Weihao in the bus until I forgot to alight a bus-stop early... Argh!!! I have to walk back again... I have to buy SH the mentos mint or she'll die of hunger... hahas... I was a little late and decided to take my own sweet sweet time.

Reached school and Priscillia keep calling Ah Siao... Hahas... I'm very sensitive to this name... It used to be Shun Bao, calling me this name in secondary 1 and 2... I miss the old days... I miss my old friends. I miss everything. I miss so many people...

SH didn't want to meet Mr Lee for chinese revision. But I insisted going to him. All my structures are in a big mess. I can easily get a 9 for everything in the past, but now, I only get a 7. I need a A1. It really sounds kind of impossible now. I don't know how. I'm gifted for chinese language but it doesn't meant that I like this subject at all. SH's busy hiding from Ah Lee...

That librarian suddenly charged into the discussion room when I'm alone there. She said that June Siew says we are wasting the resources and Mr Lee has booked out. WTH? You are such a big bootlicker. Can't you see the disgusted face that Miss Tan gave you too? I seriously think you are such a nosey parker... We some to study here and not to let you control and complain about us. You get a salary of $850, that you claaimed, in a nice and air- conditioned room. What else are you unhappy with? You just keep switching on and off the air- con, and never have you think that you are the only one who think it is cold when it's hot. You don;t have to keep yourself busy to make sure you will not get sacked. I have been tolerating you a lot, just because you are ny classmate's mum. Don't you think you are overboarding? All because of you, I left my earpiece in that room. =(

Therefore today ain't a wonderful day. But tomorrow, will be a better day. =) Smile!!! Everything would be over...

Thank you... To you, you might not have done anything much, but some simple words really does keep me going... I'll jiayou...

2007-10-11T20:34:00.000+08:00

# My Little Prince

2007-10-11T20:03:00.000+08:00

Reached school at 2pm exactly. I was super engrossed in Social Studies and I was copying the notes enthusiastically but was distracted by the screeking sound of the chairs and mutterings of the guys... I was super pissed off and switched on my headset to the full blast mode... Though the sound's softer but it's still irritating.

I was smiling and laughing over smses of different people, SH asked me whether I come to sms or for revision. Hahas... At least I absorbed loads of information today as compared to last week. I'm in high spirits... But behind these smiles and laughters, no one else can see my tears. I his them well enough...

Left the library at 6pm sharp... I promised myself to conplete all the revision on Social Studies by this week. I still have 2 more themes to go. I'll jiayou!!!!

The greatest handicap ---- Fear
The best day ---- Today
The easiest thing to do ---- Find a fault
The most useless asset ---- Pride
The greatest mistake ---- Giving up
The greatest stumbling block ---- Egotism
The greatest comfort ---- Work well done
The most disagreeable person ---- The complainer
The worst bankruptcy ---- Lost of enthusiasm
The greatest need ---- Common sense
The meanest feeling ---- Regret at another success
The best gift ---- Forgiveness
The greatest moment ---- Death
The greatest knowledge ---- God
The greatest thing in the world ---- Love

2007-10-10T20:51:00.000+08:00

What's happiness? It's all about you being happy and nothing else. I don't know how but the feeling is getting stronger and overwhelming. =( Please brace yourself up... If you ever feel sad, remember, I'll always be there just for you...

Do not grieve over the past,
for it is gone.

Do not worry about the future,
for it has yet to come.

As long as it is called today,
live this day as if was your last,
and you will find each day worth living for.

I feel so pressurized by Os. 8 more days to Science Physics/Biology Practical Examination. Boohoos!!! Drawing for practical, please don't come out FLOWERS!!! Should I buy the $17 Biology note book? Haix... Os just suck to the f core...

Met Jiamin in the early afternoon... Chat awhile and I have to leave for school.. Reached school on time, 2pm... I banged into Jiawei when I finally decided to throw the rubbish away... I made myself look like his stalker when I was going to the loo too... When I came out, saw him lookinf for his loose button.. The malay guy kept disturbing him. ask him don't play with his d*... hahas... He damn paiseh la...

Nicholas was singing so loudly and out of tune... I asked him to stop as Icouldn't figure out what he's trying to sing la... Hahas.... I love the 2pm- 7pm class!!! =)

# I'm always alone, but I'm not always lonely

2007-10-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

2007-10-08T21:59:00.000+08:00

Hope you have fun there. One month and one day to your birthday!!! =) Cheer up... #I miss u

2007-10-07T22:06:00.000+08:00

Today's a lousy day. I woke up at 9am, feeling tired though. Had to tag along my folks to clubby again. Sis went swimming with RB again. I doubt it's successful. Sis always go swimming with RB because he has a motorbike. But it rain shortly after they left our house. Mum asked whether I did cursed them or not.

Went super early here. I studied the ss topic on Sri Lanka. At least some progress, I know is wu gui speed but at least some progress!!!

Going for dinner at 11. Back to blog again if I'm not tired. =)

2007-10-07T16:46:00.000+08:00

It has been about 7 years ago since dad last called my name.It may sound ridiculous, but that's the fact. I almost cried during our dinner. I know this is emotional of me but I'm really touched.

Update
Yeah... I forgot to share with you guys something hilarious. During the afternoon, I was at dad's workplace and I went out of the building to see whether it was raining. As I was walking back, I was thinking of something rather serious and in my subconcious, the entrance door's a sliding door. But I really knew that the door isn't sliding door. Before I realised anything, BANG!!! OUCH!!! I banged onto the glass door. I could hear the loud bang sound so clearly. As quickly as I can, I looked at the back and front to ensure that no one has seen my pathetic state. =)

Haha...

2007-10-06T17:54:00.000+08:00

Went jogging with Pj, Jw, Wendy but end up 'pangseh-ing' them. They kept forcing me to run, so I just kept running and brisk walking until for a long while, I start to realise that I've lost them. So I tried my best to return as soon as possible. I felt like puking and have to walk all the way back. Finished the entire round in 55 mins.

I finally reached and didn't manage to see them. I thought they would walk the reverse the direction, so I headed back home. Called Pj and found out that they are still at reservoir. Zzzz... Brought their wallet and JW's shirt to the reservoir. I can sense that a lot of people are looking at me ridiculously. So today's a boring day after all.

I hate to mug. I have to mug. I don't believe that I can scrape through Os like all the major examination. I have to put in some effort. Haix... I guess preparation for Os, really make me tired and weak. I loss 2.5 kg in a week. Sometimes just don't feel like eating but I really don't want to waste mama's effort to whip up a good meal for us. She has been making herbal thingy for me because of my health problem. Thanks mama!!!

Phone Conversation

Me : Pj, why your blog's getting so boring now? You have a lot of pictures but so little words..

PJ: I don't feel like blogging my feelings out liao... When I blog something emo, people say they get emo after reading. Because of this, I see no point la.

Me:Poor you.. Got blog also cannot blog,then what for have a blog? hahaha.

Pj: Is your study table in your room?
Me: Duh... You always go my hse, you don't know?
Pj: You know why you don't have a bf after so long mah?
Me: HUH? Why? Faster tell me..
Pj: Because your study table is in your room
Me: HUH!!! I'll move it out once my Os are over.
Pj: Would it be too late.
Me: Chay!!! Os is crucial than a bf right? hahaha

MSN Conversation
YiLin` Milu-ing: YiLin` Milu-ing: YiLLL #Grrrrr# BANG,BANG!!! *Fresh Blood- :hahs. I have to move my study table out once my Os is over.

Some1 says: hahaha go burn it

YiLin` Milu-ing: YiLin` Milu-ing: YiLLL #Grrrrr# BANG,BANG!!! *Fresh Blood- says: siao burn table. My father burn me into ashes and pray. hahas

Some1 says: LOL!

My mission
*7.5 more kg to my target!!!

2007-10-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

Woke up reluctantly at 0715am. Something stupid happened to me once again. As usual, I’ll press for the lift to come and look at the bus- stop opposite to get ready to chase the bus. I could see a 3 number figured bus 2 stops away. Assuming that it would be 143, I dashed like some mad women. But it was bus 533. But the dashing was not in vain, seconds later, 143 arrived at the stop too.

I thought I would be late but arrived in school at 0815am. Thank goodness that Mr. Chan’s not able to attend to us on Thursdays, if not I’ll get it from him again.

Physics Period
Mr. Lim: Would you consider him to be your boyfriend? Since Eleanna and Ruixin also don’t want…
Me: HUH? Who?
Mr. Lim: (gesturing with big movement that it’s Domon)
Me: NO! I rather go up to the mountain and become a nun and never will I come down the mountain for goodness sake!!!
Ben Ong: Then I’ll burn down the temple!
Me: I’ll die with the temple!!!
SH: I of course will never consider Domon.
Mr. Lim: Is he really that bad? He is rich and has money, treat girls well…
Me: Cher!!! Money is not everything. Some more no (pointing my head) brain…
Ben Ong: All along in his mind…
All: Hahaha
SH: Mr. Lim, if you were a girl, would you consider him?
Mr. Lim: Good question… Throw me back question la.
Mr. Lim: Erm… Well… At least I still did think you guys just give me the answer straight without thinking.

School ended shortly too. After pondering for a long while, I decided to head to the market for lunch with SH. Went to Sheng Siong and found the Panda Biscuit by chance. It is $1.50, 10 cents cheaper than the one near my house.

Headed back to school and the guys took half a pack of my sweets. Darn them… Hahaha… Then went for the self study group. I was darn pissed off by the 4 guys behind us. Keep talking and talking… Finally, I screamed at them. Yeah! Serve them right!!! They just talk like they have naver spoken for their entire life. But I lost my focus at 5pm. Felt exhausted and decided to go home early at 6pm today. I’m really tired. Sleeping early… Tomorrow would be the last day attending Ms. Tan, the 0630am class. =)

Yeah... I've cleared all my problems and doubts. Everything would still be the same.

*Cheer up! You always ask me to cheer up, so you must also try to cheer up. You said it is impossible to be happy 24/7. But you cannot be always sad or feeling emotional. You must walk out of your own sadness... Hope that you'll be happier each day. =) Sweet boy must be happy de. Okay, I'm bad in cheering people up. I give up la. hahaha...

#I'm sure, I still love you.

2007-10-03T21:44:00.000+08:00

Had a fitful sleep. Woke up feeling feverish and had a bad headache. I didn’t go to school and slept till 12pm.

Went down to find the clinic closed. I registered and had to return there at 2pm. Sms SH that I could not make it to school. Therefore end up ‘pangseh-ing’ her.

At last, 2pm! The doctor said that I’m lack of blood, being too stressed up and lack of iron. If symptoms still persist, I have to take blood test. WTF? Hey! I’m just 17, what’s wrong with my body? I chose to believe that the doctor was just being paranoid. I was thinking back and realized that for consecutively 3 years, my physical fitness report reflects: Short term MC.

How nice it is when tongues wagged, saying is 3 years considered as short term MC? Have anyone considered my feelings? After each medical report, the doctor would tell me the same all old thing but because of different medical reasons? The doctor would just throw me months and months of MC to be excuse from Physical Education, saying I have to rest. But how long have I rest?

I have had enough of rest. Does it help? I doubt so. How pleasant it is when some sarcastic remark were passed, saying that I feigned all the medical problems. Can I fake up an X-ray report? I really took stride in whatever others say. I bear all the pain and push myself to take up sports again. I really care how others see me.

No one can ever feel the joy I had. For the 2 days, jogging wit Pj, I was really elated. Though I suffered from the regular pain, it was worth the while.

Pain that does not kills one, makes one stronger than before.

*I am in no position to love. I am in no position to be loved. I've got no say about l-o-v-e. You'll find your puzzle, the one that fits you best.I don't know how much I love you, maybe I should take a break from this. Time will prove everything. Maybe you are never gonna be mine to even begin with. =) pessimistic; what I've learn from you.

2007-10-02T21:48:00.000+08:00

Fuck you la... Why you always get me into trouble? You want to 'help' me but always make me end up being mistaken by others. Why can't you keep your hands and mouth to yourself? Seriously, I am loss of words. I salute you. You know I won't explain myself so you just keep creating troubles for me la? Oops!!! Is all you can ever say? I'm tired of that excuse la. I seriously hate your attitude la. You always do things in the way that never put yourself into my pathetic shoes. You are such a mother fucker la. If you want to do things, don't do things on the sly la. You don't dare put your name? ... Don't tell me u hum ji kia la... I super pissed off now la. You know it is the 3rd time you have done the same thing again? Why must you make things turn so ugly? I really don't know how to face him anymore le la. Haix... What I've done to you to deserve all your stupid nonsense? How much I wish you can just fuck off my pathetic life now.

You always make me become a baddie, then you, an angel? Why must you ruin my love life? I really don't know how to face him anymore. I really regret telling you about anything. You know how much I cherish, at least the friendship I have with him? Just because of your reckless behaviour, it is all ruined. You will never understand how much I like him.... So you have no rights to say about my devotion. So what if he don't like me? Is none of your business la. I fucking hate you... I seriously wanna kill myself before any happens...

You know how much I like him or not? Since you enjoy ruining my life, why not take a gun and bang me straight. Isn't it more direct and easy?

You know I believe in just a simple 'sorry', so you bloody think everything can be solved by just an apology? Why not you go kill your neighbour and say you are sorry and expect the dead to forgive you? What's done, is already done, you can't undo them right?

ARGHHH!!! I also don't know why I can still tolerate you and your nonsense la. I must have a high level of tolerance. Please la, stop being a nosey parker can?

Seriously, I don't know how to continue things anymore.I'm on the verge of breaking down. You jolly well shut up for good sake. I curse you for life ... Every where you go also got shit smell.. I Wish that the birds will shit at you when they fly pass you!!!

You are such a meanie girl!!! =( All because of you, my heart's broken. I wanna hide from everyone now... Sobs sobs... =(

I'm really devastated...

2007-10-01T13:19:00.000+08:00

Headed to JE with sis. She has to pay up all her bills... She's been a high end shopper for these few months... Haix...

We had our dinner at Hoshi. Wanted to eat at Fish and Co but the quequ was too long. We were crapping for long hours...

hahas... Sis brought along a useless lighter and had to borrow from some strangers.. I kept saying she's cheapskate until she has no choice but to buy one... Hahas...

I love my sis!